Belief Systems

I read a lot of stroke blogs by stroke survivors and I see this comment a lot:  "Why me? Why did this happen to me? And why did I survive when so many others don't?"  I understand the reason behind these questions.  The urge to fit our individual lives with all the capriciousness with which we must deal, into a larger cosmic plan is powerful.   I don't have any problem with that way of thinking.  If anyone believes their individual survival, or lack thereof, is important to the universe, more power to them.  As for me, though, I don't see it.     

I think I survived an intracerebral hemorrhage, which has a fairly high mortality rate, because of sheer luck.  The bleeding stopped before the size of the hemorrhage became large, and the area that was damaged evidently didn't control anything vital to staying alive.  I don't believe any divine intervention was involved in creating a lucky outcome for me.  My wife disagrees, though.  She prayed for me constantly, and she believes in prayer.

That is not to say, though, that surviving a brush with extinguishment had no effect on me.  On the contrary, it has affected me deeply.  But the way I look at it is not that my life was spared for a reason, but that I was spared, now I have to create a reason for my life.  Luckily, I have a job that is more than just a source of income, though I'm not knocking that by any means.  Creating quality, affordable, accessible housing for people with physical and mental disabilities fills a need in me to contribute something to the world in exchange for the space I occupy.   It's not that I am what I do, it's that I feel that what I do is worth doing.  And that's a really good feeling.  Jobs though, come and go, especially for 62-year-olds that have had a stroke, and this one will eventually come to an end.  How will I create a meaningful life then?  I have a few ideas.  They many never become reality, but as long as I have life, I'll keep trying.

Re-reading this post I realized that it sounds as if I'm dismissing my roles of father and husband.  That's not the way I feel, though.  Those are the most important things I've ever done.  But my children are grown now, and my wife has her own career and is making plans for her own transition to retirement.  I want to be there for them when they need me for as long as I can.  If I can also engage in some meaningful work during that time, all the better.